Exhausted as I am today, I can’t really think of a topic to write about and when I do, my mind isn’t all that much up for the challenge of writing more stuff about it. So I clicked “Inspire Me”. This is what I got:
What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?
Well, everything we do changes everything, much like a butterfly effect, but completely changed my life? I suppose one such experience that is safe to share thoughts with the world is losing my virginity. I think that I used sex after that to escape the stress that my family life provided. I was 14 and in love. First love. We’d been together for 11 months and, actually, I wasn’t all that keen on having sex but it was the end of the year and I wasn’t going to see him for another six weeks. I thought he might cheat on me or decide I just wasn’t doing it for him anymore. Either way, I’d lose him. In the end, though, I woke up at about 1 in the morning and just felt like I was ready. He was asleep in the loungeroom but instead of waking him up, I went and got in the shower first. I would do all of my good thinking in the shower. In there, I decided I was ready and when I got out, I woke him up and told him I wanted to have sex. Well, he wasn’t complaining, as is very rare for a 15 year old when it *comes* to such matters.
I’ll leave the full details out in this post and maybe do a whole post on sexual experiences in the future. Anyway, I suppose that sex just sort of helped me escape from reality for a while. It was a secret and I had a fairly nonachalant attitude towards what I was doing. It meant a lot to me, I mean. I just didn’t let that show. When my mother found out, it was because I told her so freely and casually. Conversation went like this.
Mother: Right, I’m going down to the shops.
Me: Can you get me some tampons?
Mother: You got your period? When?
Me: Like two months ago.
Mother: Oh. Okay. Well, are you sure you want tampons? Don’t you want pads?
Me: Mum, I’m not a virgin.
I delivered it with a “Duh” tone and watched her mouth drop.
See, I’d lost my virginity about 4 months before that moment and I had used some tampons that had come free in a magazine. I think she may have been a little upset by the fact that I didn’t tell her about these huge milestones in my life. Especially considering I’m her only girl and she could never talk to her mother about these things and so instead opted for her sisters. Either way, I was fairly casual about the whole thing until I lost it. Or, rather, lost my boyfriend. It was roughly 9 months after we’d first had sex and we were growing apart. I see that as the reason now since I got way too many from him, ranging wildly from, “Your dad threatened me,” to “I never see you anymore”. So, I figure that, as we were still in some serious stages of growing up and developing mentally and emotionally, we just didn’t connect so well anymore, especially considering that I didn’t go to school. And, seeing each other outside of that was near impossible as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. Of course, my brother blamed me, since this guy was his best friend and he couldn’t see him either as he also didn’t go to school. My brother, that is.
Because, I’d only had sex with the one guy, however, I began to associate sex in general with him. And being as he was my first love and all and I was deeply heart-broken and it had been a hard year in so many aspects, I saw sex as a thing that leads to an emotional upheaval. I began to hate it. I thought I’d never have sex again. I know, I was only 15, haha. Then alcohol happened. Granted, it wasn’t the first time I’d been drunk but it was the first time I’d been drunk with people. And then that happened again at another party. So, I lost my aversion to sex, but I still also used it as an escape. You see, with the first one night stand, I was upset of the rejection from my ball date. And lost to my emotions, I jumped at the next guy, literally, the second my date left. Well, actually, I was crying and this new guy came along and started to “sympathise” and “cheer me up” With kisses. But, hey. I was using him too so it’s okay, right? The second one night stand was because it was the ex boyfriend’s birthday and I’d spoken to him on the phone where he’d told me he was going to sleep with his new girlfriend in 11 days. Nice one. So, I pretty upset at that. Also, the repercussions of this second one night stand are ridiculous but I won’t go into it now.
Now, at the age of 20, I have this idea of what sex is, of what passion is and I very rarely find it, but that’s okay. I’m too depressed to really want sex all that much, anyway. Gone are the days of my promiscuity. Believe me, there were more guys. I always had a fairly large sexual appetite after those one night stands and that’s gone now, which may be a shame, I don’t know. But that’s depression that’s caused that, not sex itself. Sex itself definitely completely changed my life. It changed my outlook on life. I used to see sex in everything, and I would despise it. And then I would love it. And now I don’t care.
Thanks for reading,