Where Do I Start?

Hey guys,

So, it’s been about 10 months since my last post. I’ve had a lot of… life changes, I guess. In my current state I feel very lonely so I’d like to get this out. Where do I start?

In November 2013, Lloyd (my boyfriend) and I decide that we wouldn’t be together in the long run because we just weren’t right for each other. Ultimately, he doesn’t want to be with me because I don’t believe in divorce and that’s too much pressure for him. So, we decide that we would break up but not just yet. February crawls around and we each reach our breaking point. I’m about to move to Albany (south, cold, parents) when everyone in the house gets evicted. I would go into that story a little more, but it’s a long one and distracts from this one. So, anyway, on top of this, Lloyd’s boss has come into some financial trouble and is unable to pay Lloyd his wages. I don’t have money to move south so Lloyd and I decide that we will have to stay together for the time being. I did suggest that he move with me to Albany, but that idea was shot down promptly. Although we met there, neither of us like the place. Alright, fine, we despise it.

We get a lovely house in the Western Suburbs (Apologies to those who don’t understand the relevance of this) and I think, though I’m not sure, that Lloyd gets another job. Anyway, we’re still rocky and we fight so fucking loudly, and there’s a lot of blackmail going on and our landlord and landlady, who live upstairs weren’t very happy with us, so we got kicked out. With, like, 2 or 3 days notice or some such bullshit. As it is, I saw that the only thing we could do was move to Albany because my parents would, of course, welcome us. And so we go, staying together. I know you’re thinking, “But wait, why didn’t you just go? Or one of you could move out. Don’t you have money yet?” It’s been two months (Sorry, I keep switching tense). I know that it was the only thing left to do. We pack all of our stuff into the car and drive 5 hours south and I know we were getting close to Albany near evening but I swear there was a dark cloud just hovering over the place.

None of you know my childhood or what my family are like so this won’t mean much to you but we had to get out of there. We got an apartment, which I am currently in now, as I type this. It’s great. I went through a couple of jobs. So did Lloyd. Then he got a job in retail and was offered a transfer and promotion to manager (in few months from now).

Well, he told me this the day before our anniversary. I laughed it off. Like, he’s not moving to Fremantle. That’s ridiocuous. Why the fuck would he leave me … oh, wait. I forgot to mention. We were discussing marriage, having totally forgotten that we didn’t want to be together. And then we again realised that we didn’t want to be together. So we broke up on our anniversary, mutually. But I laughed off his idea of moving to Fremantle. Dialogue went like this:

“I got offered a promotion today.”
“Oh, yes?”
“Yeah, they’re opening a new shop in Fremantle and they want me to be the manager.”
“Why would they want you to be the manger? You’ve only worked there for a month.”
“I dunno. It wouldn’t be straight away. My manager will be manager there for 6 months and then I get it.”
“Oh, so what’d he say when you told him “no”?”
“I didn’t tell him “no”.
“Oh, right. Don’t want to shoot it down too quickly. Let him think you’re thinking about it.”
“I am thinking about it.”
That’s when I laughed.

Then I realised he was being serious and blah de blah de blah, here we are. He’s gone now. I was very upset, so was he. Then I wasn’t because I refused to talk to him for a week. Oh, wait. I forgot to mention that I asked him last year if we could maybe move closer to Fremantle so I could go to uni there. My dream university, which is private, cheap and offers courses in history and archaeology, actually specialises in history. He said “no” to that because he would have to drive too far for work. But, like, the train would take me 2 hours there and 2 hours back. Anyway, for him to leave me for a job he already had was pretty annoying, but then to take that job in the place I specifically wanted to go, that he said “no” to was something else. I asked him if I could come with him. He said “no”.

I didn’t talk to him for a week and within that week, I slept with someone who’d had a crush on me years ago. Didn’t now, though. I don’t think. Younger than me, which is a change because I love older men. Actually, oh God, there’s just too much to say. I’m going to try bullet points:

  • My uni tutor, married
  • His marriage over
  • He is perfect for me, but broken. There’s chemistry, but he is so broken I don’t think he even wants to go down that road. Oh, and I’m not his student anymore so it’s not like he’d be losing his job.
  • I buy a laptop so as to study for my exams
  • I don’t study for my exams, or even attend them
  • I sleep with a guy from ’95
  • Lloyd wants me back, big time
  • He kisses other girls and goes on dates
  • I encourage him
  • I go to Perth to secretly apply for a another job
  • I get the job
  • I sleep with Lloyd, breaking my number one rule to never go back to a guy after I slept with one after him
  • I give my notice at work
  • I’m moving to Perth in 6 days
  • I slept with someone from ’94
  • Work goes crazy and I’ve been taken off the roster. Shit.
  • My lease is up so final bills are here
  • My housemate is angry at me
  • I argue with the ’95 guy then say sorry a week later
  • He messages me today, saying “Can we fuck?”
  • Yesterday I get asked out by an older man, who has apparently liked me and thinks I’m lovely, for 3 years and I didn’t know. He is one of Lloyd’s closest friends.
  • Lloyd decides that he doesn’t want to live with me (Oh, btw, I know no one in Perth and am relying on Lloyd to help me find a place. He is living with friends for a short while then needs to move out. So, I’m staying in his bed for 3 weeks then we’re getting a house that has at least 2 bedrooms) unless I get back together with him and then he suggests marriage.More happeded, like my mum going to England to get my little brother, she was very unwell. When she came back, she went to hospital, very bad. One of my brothers went crazy and broke into the house and stole stuff. My dad had a stroke. I had to look after him, I don’t have a car or a licence or ID (Actaully I do have ID now but I didn’t then).  I used my dad’s fuel card for the various taxi trips. That was after my mum left.Man, my birthday was so shit. Lloyd broke a lot of my things. Hey, I’m 21 now. Took me 3 years to get my ID. I bought a bottle of port yesterday and din’t get asked. I bought tobacco today and didn’t get asked. I pushed away every idea of having a friend. Now I want one. My housemate doesn’t want me to talk to her, I’m sure of it.

    I actually feel like I want a hug, as well. For those of you who don’t know: I hate touching people. And I fucking want a hug. There is still more to say. So much more. I’m moving to Perth, though. And I have been inspired to write 2 other posts. One about the people I worked with up until Monday evening, and one about all of my lovers. Not holding back on the details, either. Well, actually, just a little on the recent ones.

    Thanks for reading.

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